In Pursuit of the Why

Why?

Its a question I find myself asking more often than not. I try to attribute it to my curious nature, my innate need to understand and “get to the bottom of things” or to figure people out. Its not that Im nosy… really, its not. Its more that I want to “get” it; whatever the current “it” issue/conversation/relationship/situation might be. Im driven to feel like I understand. So I dig… why… Why… WHY?

In my mind there must always be an explanation. A root cause that is just begging to be discovered.

Sometimes discovering the “why” can make you feel better, for example, all your friends ignored your texts and phone calls because they didn’t want to blow the fact they are planning a big surprise party for you! (this has never actually happened to me)

Sometimes it can make you feel worse, i.e. when you come to the conclusion that the reason why a guy doesn’t like you “in that way” is because he prefers girls who look a certain way. (no comment)
In all my questioning, digging, and pondering, Ive finally gotten down to asking my self the ultimate “why” question:
Why ask why?
Don’t get me wrong- I don’t think Im ever going to stop wanting to know, or wanting to understand,  people and situations. Its just something that is in me. But Im beginning to see that part of the drive to pursue the “why” is because there is a comfort level in doing away with the unknown and the possibility of misunderstanding. Feeling like you “know” provides a self confidence and security.

Its addictive……….. Its self assuring…………… And the need for it can make you a slave.

Pursuit of knowledge is good, but if not kept in check, it can give a false sense of independence and begin to trick your mind in to thinking your need for the Lord in certain areas is less than what it is. Even worse, it can be deceptive. How many times have I tricked myself in to thinking that I have taken something to God, when really all I have done is sat, analyzed, thought of all the possibilities, interrogated the situation, and formed my own conclusion? How many times have I become obsessed, convincing myself of my need to know, of my need to understand, and in pursuit of that knowledge ignoring what God may be trying to teach me in the situation and trampling on anyone who may get in the way of my path to discover the why? The honest answer is that, for me, this has been the case more often than I care to admit.

Twice in the last two days God has reminded me of this truth. He’s reminded me to keep my “pursuit of the why” in check.

This morning, listening to a message from a favorite Bible teacher (Priscilla Shirer) she discussed that only in the desert will we see a burning bush- to stop looking around at the details of the desert we may find ourselves in, stop concerning ourselves with it, and start looking for God to speak in to the circumstance.

A word from a trusted friend in Sunday service yesterday reminded us of the importance of being STILL and KNOWING simply that He is God. In each situation, regardless of the details (regardless of if you are or are not able to discover the why) HE IS GOD.

To be sure, the word encourages us to pursue and grow in wisdom and knowledge- in and of itself that is not a bad thing. But today, my challenge is to learn to be ok with just not knowing- maybe in some cases never knowing- and being able to rest in the knowledge that He is God even if sometimes I cant catch the elusive “why”. When the why’s are unclear and seem undiscoverable, can I accept that? Can I train myself to be still in the situation- not distracted by the details of it or the lack of answers- but captivated by the one who is the source of all knowledge?

Its interesting that the Bible says that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Proverbs 1:7). I need to remind myself that true wisdom doesn’t come with sitting and thinking, analyzing, researching, or dissecting. Its not found in simply just pursuing the why. Its found in the pursuit of HIM.

 

Listening To The Rhythm…

As many of you know, I just got back from Haiti… again… I know, I know its old news to most- my story, my commitment to Haiti and to my friends at Restoration Ministries in the little town of Jacmel is one that I continue to tell repeatedly. I bet its even boring to look at the photos I post that are so similar to each other from trip to trip. This trip was different for me though. No panic attacks the night before causing me to not be able to sleep, for the first time I wasn’t repeating over and over “why God are you making me do this“. I wasn’t miserable at all while I was there, I didn’t really even think too much about missing my own bed and shower (thanks to my good friend who manages the hotel turning the water heater way up when I got there, I even had a hot shower every single day! Unheard of!). I ate the food (mostly), knew the names of many of the people I encountered, loved on the kids, and did my best to lead my team.

A fear comes over me though as I realize that after three years, I may have finally adjusted to my new life- one where spending time in the poorest country in our hemisphere is the norm rather than the exception. Although it’s a great feeling to finally be comfortable there, my mind jumps ahead to wonder if the scary day will ever come where I get too used to seeing poverty and hunger and my heart doesn’t break at the sight of it. Could that ever happen? I surely hope not… I don’t ever want to lose the drive to push forward and do more for my surrogate family in Jacmel.

The Sunday before I departed for this most recent trip I remember standing in church- my lips singing along with the worship leaders to the song “The More I Seek You” but my mind running through the mental checklist of all that needed to be completed to prepare for departure in two days, the team members I needed to reach out to, the questions that needed to be answered, the materials I needed to leave behind, and if there was anything I needed to do for the team who was returning to the states that week. I felt really busy, somewhat overwhelmed, and slightly alone in it all as I tried to figure out how it could possibly all fit in with less than 48hrs to go. Then I find myself singing the words

“I want to sit at your feet, Drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breathe, and feel your heart beat”

and I almost got a little irritated. What does that even mean? Im sitting here going NUTS trying to get everything done how can I possibly sit here and listen to a heart beating? How will that help me accomplish ANYTHING?

I stewed over these words for a few moments, trying to make them make sense in my logical, administrative, and very planned out brain. There must be a link. Somehow spending the time listening to God’s heartbeat seemed critical, and I had a sense that it was even necessary in a practical sense, but I couldn’t connect the dots. That’s when I had one of those revelation moments- the kind where you could sware God himself is talking directly to you- not audibly but in your spirit. In my minds eye there were people dancing- a couple doing a waltz. It was lovely. Then the music switched to something more upbeat… now they were swing dancing! What fun! And it went on like this for a while… until I realized the only reason these people knew which dance to perform and which steps to take was because they heard the beat of the music playing in the background. They heard it speed up, they heard it slow down, and they matched their steps to be perfectly in sync with it. I imagined them trying to swing dance while the waltz music was playing. Their swing moves were perfect indeed, but how ridiculous to be doing them when the music wasn’t a match. And all of a sudden it clicked. Me running around doing all that I do is ridiculous if Im not in step with the heart beat of my heavenly Father. All that I have planned in my mind are wonderful things, all my intentions could be perfect, but if Im not taking the moments to sit and listen to the rhythm of His heart, my steps will be out of place and not matching the rhythm He is playing in the background.

As I headed to Haiti I asked God to help me to listen to His heart beat. In each scene that I encountered I tried to consciously stop and ask God to help me hear that steady rhythm… I remember distinctly moments where it would slow down- causing me to observe and drink in all that I saw. Then there were moments where it would speed up- sometimes out of excitement for the amazing things happening, or out of sadness and distress over things that seemed so unjust. Then there were moments of peace- helping me to rest in the knowledge that all was under control. I’ve come to the conclusion that the real reason why Haiti was so much easier for me this time was not because ive become too “used to” being there, and not because Im in danger of becoming calloused towards the things that I encounter there, but more because Im learning to go there and force myself in to a place where I respond to what I see and what needs to be done while listening for and then lining myself up with God’s heartbeat. By doing that, all of a sudden the undone tasks were less of a big deal, the dirt under my fingernails didn’t bother me quite as much, and had my shower been cold I might not have even complained about it! Fear was gone- because my heavenly Father isnt afraid and because He does not give us a spirit of fear (see Romans 8:15 and 2 Timothy 1:7). Anxiety was gone, because He isnt anxious and tells us to be anxious about nothing (Philippians 4:6). I wasn’t miserable because He isnt- He brings joy! Questioning God’s intention for having me there is gone, because His heart was at peace with me being there, so I finally realized that I could be at peace with it too… and for the first time, I really was.

 

Um, has anyone seen my ram?

I’ve come to terms early on with the fact that this is gonna be one of “those” years… you know, the kind that you couldnt predict if you tried, that you cant figure out if you wanted to, and that is going to force you to kind of just put your seatbelt on and go along for the ride. Kind of like Aerosmith’s Rockin’ Rollercoaster at Disney— you get in this car, sit down, buckle in- you know the ride is going to be exciting. One minute you are giggling and rocking out to “Walk This Way” and the next thing you know a slight panic sets in as the thing starts moving at a rapid pace toward a dark tunnel, and you know once you enter it you wont actually be able to see what direction the track is headed- up, down, left, or right.

I took a ride on the Rockin Rollercoaster this fall. Literally- I went to Florida with some girls and we went on the ride more than once! It was a blast! However, in the weeks leading up to and during that get-away I started to question some things… life, ministry, the people in my life, my dreams and goals, etc… I felt a need to make sure I was EXACTLY where God wanted me, so I laid it all out on the table and said, Ok, God, go ahead and rearrange. As expected whenever its time to re-evaluate, some house cleaning needed to take place. It was good, it was what I asked God to do. In this instance, the surprising part came when God asked me to let go of some things that were good- things He had given to me in the first place. I thought to myself, really? Of all things, THAT is what you are going to ask me to give up? Well… ok… I guess I will start moving in that direction…

Maybe its just me, but I think that many times when God asks us to give things up, we bank on the fact that we are going to have an Abraham on Mt. Moriah experience. The story can be read in Genesis 22, but in summary- God gives Abraham a son in his old age- Isaac. There was no denying that Issac’s birth was a true miracle and a definite gift from God to Abraham and his wife. Then God makes a strange request of Abraham- take Isaac to the mountains and offer him as a sacrafice to me. The scriptures dont tell us what Abraham was thinking at this point, but Im pretty sure it must have been along the lines of “What the heck?! Why in the world would you go through all the trouble of giving him to me in the first place if THIS is going to be the outcome!” Yet Abraham obeyed. If you, like me, grew up watching the Bible story cartoon Superbook you have surely seen this episode, and I visualize it this way every time I consider this story: cartoon Arbraham follows God’s instruction and places cartoon Isaac on a rock, gets out a big knife, holds it up in the air and suddenly a big light shines down on Abraham. A loud booming voice comes from the sky, commands Abraham not to harm Isaac. Instead, God provides a ram to serve as the sacrafice.

I think that, when God asked me to sacrafice some things, I did so, but with the expectation that the ram was on its way. Ok, God… I will let go of this, but its something good you have given to me, so you arent going to actually make me go through with it, right? You just want to prove that Im obedient and would give it up if I had to… Ok so here I go… im tying it up, putting it on the big rock? You see it, there it is right there, ready to be sacraficed (…so any time you want to send that ram along, that’d be great…)… ok God Ive got this big knife in my backpack… I’ll just go and get that out now (…walking very slowly, listening carefully for the sound of ram hoofs all the while…). Alright so, the sacrafice is ready to go, and I’ve got the knife. Can you see me God? See how obedient I am? So I guess the only thing left to do is hold the knife up in the air now. Here I go! See me lifting it up? (maybe the ram is lost and is having a hard time finding me… maybe I should whistle for it or something. Heeeere ram! Im over heeeere…. heeeere rammy rammy rammy). Ok knife’s in the air, here we go, on the count of 3…. ready…. 3…2…2 and 3/4…. 2 and 1/2…. 1…. and down comes the knife, no ram in sight.

In one area for me, Ive had the sacrafice on the table for months now, but today was the day that the knife actually lowered, and that I realized for certain that there would be no ram. God wasnt just “testing” me to see if I’d really go through with it, and although I’ve known all along He was pretty serious about me letting go of some things, I still expected there could be a ram at some point. Its funny, because even though there are clear reasons that God made the track take this turn, reasons that have been affirmed by others and ones that are just between my heavenly father and I, there was still a little piece of me that thought God would surprise me with an amazing intervention at the last moment. There is a part of me that is just a little shocked and still a little sad, and another part of me that is soooo very excited, because now the door is wide open for God to do new things, BIG things! And even though it is hard, and is going to be, I am so happy to be on this ride.

 

Stir It Up!

I woke up this morning and Hebrews 11:1 popped in to my head.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

Its not all that unusual for me, or many of us I suspect, to use this particular passage when we need a bit of encouragement, are going through something unexpected, or have a friend waiting on God for something and lets face it, we just arent sure what else to say. Its one of those verses that come in handy. But today, I just had a feeling it was about something more. So, I cracked open my Bible and began to read. Hebrews chapter 11 is the well known christian “Hall of Faith” where we see so many of the founders of our faith are called out for their particular display of faith and trust in the Lord throughout circumstances that seem impossible. For me today though, I felt like going backwards rather than forward, so I started my reading in Hebrews 10, and ended up camping out on verses 23-25…

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another…

After sitting on this for a bit, I read the commentary in one of my study Bible’s. It noted that what we are seeing here is that love and good works dont just happen- they need to be actively stirred up. Not only that, but its our responsibility and command to stir up others to love and good works. The word “consider” here can be translated as “to have intelligent insight into”. Wow what a challenge. Not only am I told to encourage those around me to love and do good works, I need to actually sit and think about and ask God for specific insight in to how to encourage them in those things.
Its not always easy to love people. Its not always easy to do good things. So often we maybe try once or twice, see no immidiate evidence of fruit evolving from our efforts, and we become discouraged. This is where I believe faith comes in- it ties back to that love we give and those good works we do- we dont always see the results, but faith is the evidence of things UNSEEN, and the word tells us that our God is faithful. Not a new revelation for many, I know, but a renewed challenge for me, not just to believe God is moving through the love I try to give or the deeds I try to do when I dont see the results, but on an even different level, am I stirring up others to these things? And if they seemingly dont respond, am I discouraged and give up on them or do I have faith that if I follow his command, and actively consider how to stir up those around me, that He is silently moving and will be faithful to work in their lives as well. Finally, the word challenges us to surround ourselves with people- not just anyone- but people who will spend time exhorting each other and stirring each other up. I want to be among those who are active and passionate about loving one another and doing good deeds, but also people who are committed to stirring ME up to do those things and to become a person willing to take on the challenge of stirring up others.
Ive done some baking recently, and its so true that sometimes when you are mixing up dough it can take forever for the thing to come together. Sometimes its difficult to stir at the beginning and I feel like- wow is this ever going to all cometogether to make one nice smooth batter? But eventually, it always does. My challenge today is three fold. Keep stirring up my self to love and good deeds. Actively pursue ways to stir the people around me to love and good deeds, and then surround myself with people who will do that for me. And finally, remember that having faith means that the results of all this stirring may be unseen, and if I really believe my God is faithful, I have to be ok with that.

 

Going? Sending?

We all go through moments in life where we re-evaluate where we are, who we are becoming, and what we are doing to get there. October and November (so far) has been one of those times for me.
Its not so much that I’m unhappy with where I’m at and what I’m doing… to be sure 5 or even 3 years ago if I had looked in to the future I would have been shocked to see all that I’m involved in today. My re-evaluation has been more of a taking inventory of my time and how effective am I being. I do a lot, but am I accomplishing everything I would like to with all I’m doing? Am I pushing the accelerator hard and fast only to look down and see that my tires are spinning fast, but I’m not moving more than a few inches forward because all this time vie been stuck in the mud and didn’t realize it?
In the past several weeks, there has been this dissatisfaction, discontent, unwillingness to settle for the way i’ve been doing things. I want to move forward, and to know with certainty I’m doing what God has asked me to do. After spending quite a bit of time pondering this, I still am not entirely clear and I still don’t have all the answers. There are a few things I do know… one of which is that I need to be more people focused and less task focused. I’m still praying through all that this means and am hoping that God will bring some clarity as we move in to 2010.
So far, here is what I want to do… help build teams and get more people involved with all that is going on. Pastor LaFleur, our friend and the leader of Restoration Ministries Haiti, was here in Nashville this past week, and something he said hit me as something that needs to be shared. “If you are a Christian, and are filled with the Holy Spirit, you are either a go-er or a sender. If you aren’t either going or sending, something is wrong!” He referred to Acts 1:8 where Jesus says “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere- in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth”.
Believe me, read my story here on this page or contact me and I will tell you about it, I never had a heart for missions. I remember laughing when, my senior year of college I was prayed over, and a word came forth that said something to the effect of this: You will be more like the tabernacle than the temple, portable and carrying God’s glory with you everywhere you go- and it will be important for you to remember that the same presence of God was in the tabernacle as was the temple, no less! (brief pause to insert Theresa’s thoughts—um… are you trying to say I might NOT work in a permanent stable environment- like a church- like I had always planned…?) Out of you will flow lava that no man, and no woman, no boy and no girl will be able to escape, so the age and stage of your ministry will not be to a specific type/age range (and I’m thinking—so not just youth ministry, is this a joke?). And out of your innermost being will flow rivers of living water which will refresh the uttermost parts of the earth (missions, now I know this is a joke! Ha!).
I did my best to push a lot of that aside till the last few weeks, or to try to find a way that those words could fit into the neat little box of what I was already doing and where I felt comfortable. But as I’ve been rearranging and re-evaluating things, and started to feel more of a burden for Haiti in the past few weeks than I had to date, I began to think, this is strange and makes zero sense. Until I heard God say- Really? It doesn’t? This isn’t the first time you are hearing these things, it’s just the first time you are willing to apply them. And I was taken back to that prayer time my senior year of college- to what was prayed that seemed confusing and highly unlikely to me at the time.
I started getting involved with work in Haiti almost 3 years ago now, mostly as an aside to the youth ministry work I had been doing, had always felt God called me to do, went to school for. I thought it would be a once a year trip, and some administrative stuff on the side. That started to change last year at some point… I told one of the respected women in my life, I think I’m supposed to maybe go to Haiti not just once but twice this year… maybe? I started praying through that and here is where I’m at…
Haiti has become a primary passion for me. Its no longer just administrative help and a once a year obligatory trip to do the right “Christian” thing and remind myself how lucky I am to live in the U.S. As Pastor LaFleur said, we are either go-ers or senders. I think I’m both. How that will play out in the next several months I’m not sure… but I want to challenge all my friends out there to ask God, am I a go-er? Am I a sender? Have I done anything lately to Go or Send? If not, I have some options for you:
1. There is a house being built in Haiti which will serve as the base of operations for the ministry there. This has been an ongoing project and we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. $15000 is needed to complete the project, and after much prayer, God has provided a donor. $5000 has been donated already. This same donor will match up to another $5000 if we can raise the money. So for the next month, the push is on to raise $5000 and see this project FINISHED! Can you help? Do you know someone who can?
2. What I thought I was feeling last year, about increasing my trips to Haiti, is actually coming to pass this year! I will be making two trips- in April and in June. Are you a go-er? If you are interested in coming with me, let me know! I would LOVE to see these two teams fill up and I would LOVE to have you on them!!
3. As you can imagine two trips within just a few months of each other will be rather costly. Are you a sender? Donate as a Christmas gift, do it for my upcoming birthday, do it because you need an additional tax deductible donation in 2009 !
4. Do you have a burden for children. I have a list of kids that literally are not eating. They aren’t being educated. They are stuck in a cycle of poverty and despair. $30/month can change their entire life. It can give them a future. Let me know if you want to be involved.
I will leave you with this- and I’ve found it to be true. If you are in a place where you need to hear from God, where you need to have some light in the dark areas of your life and are looking for direction, or if your life doesn’t feel as full and complete as it should be, start here- Isaiah 58:6-12. I’ve quoted it below, but in a nutshell God says that if we take care of the poor and hungry, the lights will turn on and our lives will turn around. If we are generous and give ourselves to others, God will direct us. But my favorite part is at the end “You’ll be known as those who can fix ANYTHING, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.” This is exactly what’s going on in Jacmel, Haiti. God’s word is true, His plans are good, and He is faithful to do what He has promised.
Isaiah 58:6-12 (The Message)
6-9″This is the kind of fast day I’m after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I’m interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You’ll call out for help and I’ll say, ‘Here I am.’
A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places
9-12″If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people’s sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You’ll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You’ll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

 

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I got a phone call that I will never forget, and the minutes, hours and days following impacted my life forever. In the words of my sister-in-law Cherie, here is the letter she wrote to honor and tell the story of her son Johnathan. I always want to do my part to make sure his story as told, so today, Im reposting it to keep his memory alive and prayerfully, allow God to use it to touch even more lives…

Johnathan’s Goodbye

This was a letter that I wrote Dedicated to the precious life of our little Johnathan read at his funeral Monday October 6th, 2008

Today we write this letter not only to say goodbye to our son, but to honor his memory. To truly understand the impact my son has had in our lives you must know his story from the beginning:
When I learned that I was pregnant with Johnathan we were overjoyed that God had chosen us to be the temporary keepers of a beautiful child. A sense of pride rushed over us like we had never known before.
Within one month God had begun to test our faith and teach us that we were going to have to trust Him. I began to see signs of a miscarriage at nine weeks and was ordered to stay on complete bed rest for an entire month. After many tests, and medications, we went into the doctor’s office to find that this tiny life was still fighting. We then had a few wonderful months with no other complications and got to watch our son grow bigger each week.
What a precious gift to witness God molding little ears, a nose, arms, legs, fingers, and toes. We were so grateful that our little baby was forming right before our eyes. At 18 weeks we went into the doctors for an ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby; it was a boy. A son! We were going to have a son!
Just as quickly as our joy came, the rain did as well. A dark cloud hovered over when our doctor told us there was a problem. She was concerned with some fluid she was seeing on his brain. She couldn’t tell us anything indefinitely, but I saw several specialists and had many tests done. I was bounced between three different hospitals trying to determine what was happening. After weeks of not knowing, we spoke to a Neurosurgeon at Vanderbuilt Hospital. He diagnosed our son with Congenital Hydrocephalus.
There was a connector in his brain that did not develop correctly and would not allow his spinal fluid to flow out of his brain cavities properly. He told us the cavities would keep getting bigger and bigger compressing his brain which could cause possible mental retardation or complete brain death. The outcome was very grim. The doctor also told us that if the baby survived at all it would be a miracle, and if he did survive he would most likely have severe genetic defects. There was another possibility that his brain could also be so severely damaged and that he may need machines to stay alive.
After about a month Dan and I decided that we needed family around to make it through what we were sure was going to be a very difficult time.
When we first came home and went to Women and Children’s Hospital the prognosis was still the same. However, the doctor’s were a little more optimistic. We knew he would need surgery right after birth to place a device called a shunt in one of his brain cavities so that the spinal fluid could be bypassed into his belly where it would be absorbed and discarded.
We had also consulted with the Neonatal Specialist about what we could expect in the delivery room. He said that he did not anticipate any additional problems but that there was a possibility Johnathan would never be able to start breathing on his own.
On August 7, 2008 our most precious gift was given to us. He was born via c-section at 2:50pm; weighing 8lbs, 13oz; measuring 20 inches long. When they first pulled him out, to our relief, he let out a big cry. When the doctor’s were done checking him, they wrapped him up and handed him to my husband where he was so content to finally be in Daddy’s arms.
The very next day, they took Johnathan into surgery to place his shunt. It took three hours and when the doctor came out; he told us everything had gone well. I let out five months worth of tears that had been building up from not knowing whether my son would live or die.
Johnathan was in the hospital for 13 days where he defied all odds and exceeded all expectations. Finally, they let us take him home.
Johnathan thrived being in his own home. He ate well and began growing. He was hitting all of his expected milestones. The most wonderful thing was that once his shunt was in place, my son was perfectly healthy. There was no retardation whatsoever; he was a normal two month old infant. He had shown the doctors and nurses that there is a great physician that can take better care of us that any earthly doctor ever could.
It was exactly eight wonderful weeks that we were given with our precious miracle. On October 1, 2008 my mother went to wake Johnathan up from his nap. When she found him he was not breathing. We rushed him to the hospital where they were able restart his heart; but it was too late.
After 12 hours and several tests Johnathan was declared brain dead. He was in a coma and only machines and medicine were keeping him alive.
We asked Pastor Sam to come and be us, and to also dedicate our son to the Lord. Then, we all said goodbye and took him off life support. They placed my beautiful son in my arms where he slowly took his last few breaths, and passed from my arms into the arms of Jesus. The last thing I whispered to Johnathan was that “I promise to tell your story for the rest of my life.” So that people may know Christ and His “beautiful grace”.
We were given 56 days with Johnathan before Jesus decided to take him home.
We do not dwell on the time we have lost, but are blessed for the time we were given. We loved our son more than anything in this world, but it was time for us to let him go. My husband and I would ask one thing of all of you here with us today: Please stop making excuses and open your hearts to the one who can heal them. Life is to short and you never know which day may be your last.
For us, even though God’s answer was no, Johnathan; whose name means “given by God”, had a life full of purpose and meaning. We may not understand why all of this had to happen, but if one person comes to know Christ through the testimony of Johnathan’s life…then that is enough for us to let him go.
Parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, family and friends: go home today and hug your children, be grateful and never take advantage. Help them to fulfill the purpose of their lives, and more importantly, love them with every fiber of your being.
Every time you think of our Johnathan remember that his life stood for God’s beautiful grace.

 

Choosing to be an Elizabeth

Johnathan

Im currently listening to Mark Driscoll’s “Luke’s Gospel: Investigating The Man Who Is God” series.
As we are in week 2 of this, we are still in the first chapter of Luke and the current installment is centered around John the Baptizer’s birth being prophesied.
In the first few minutes of the sermon I was already struck with a question that Ive since been mulling over. The Bible says in Luke 1:3-4 that “Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous in God’s eyes, careful to obey all of the Lord’s commandments and regulations. They had no children because Elizabeth was unable to conceive, and they both were very old.”
What struck me was the phrase that “Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous in God’s eyes, careful to obey all of the Lord’s commandments and regulations.” I think we (or at least I) often assume that Zechariah and Elizabeth were blessed with the priviledge of bringing this forerunner for the messiah in to this earth, because they were good people. The Bible straight up tells us they did everything that was right in God’s eyes. On top of that, Mary and Elizabeth are cousins. Its no mistake that John was born in the same family as was his younger cousin Jesus. So clearly it was in God’s plan from before the beginning of time that John be born to Elizabeth and Jesus to be born to her cousin Mary.
I had to ask myself what role free will could have had in this scenario. What if Elizabeth and Zechariah had not been super righteous and chosen to obey all of God’s commandments. Surely they had reason to fall away and be angry with God- they were old, they had no children, which in their culture was disgraceful and from a practical sense meant they had no one to carry on their heritage, or to take care of and provide for them as they continued to age. What was it that kept Elizabeth seeking God and loving Him when everyone around her saw her as a failure? Did God do something special in His creation of the person Elizabeth, so that inherently, because of her nature, she would not fall away from the Lord as she dealt with the “why me’s” in her life, ensuring that there is no way His plan could fail? If Elizabeth HAD chosen a different path in life, would God have changed His mind and found another cousin of Mary to bare the forerunner for Jesus? What if Zechariah and Elizabeth had seen their inability to have a child and, like so many before them, saw the shame and practical implications of that, and chose to take matters in to their own hands. Would that have changed God’s plans for them?
Im reminded of Abraham and Sarah, the parents of another miracle baby- Isaac, from whom the tribes of Israel and eventually the messiah would descend. Abraham and Sarah were in a similar situation as Elizabeth and Zechariah, but they made a different choice. They chose to find their own way of making things happen. Desperately wanting a child, Sarah encouraged Abraham to sleep with her servant Hagar and, as a result, Ishmael was born. This didn’t change God’s plan, but it did make things harder on them (and all their descendents). Eventually, God’s plan DID come to fruition and Abraham and Sarah were blessed with Isaac.
Sometimes I feel so nervous about mis-stepping. What if I go left and God had planned on me going right? What if I go on a trip and God’s will for me was to be at home? What if I go to Kroger to buy milk but a divine encounter was waiting for me if I had chosen to go to Publix? How much can my free will really mess up God’s ultimate plan for my life? The answer- Im not sure it can. Like Abraham and Sarah, I believe God will always ultimately see His will done. Sure if I mis-step it could be a harder or longer road to get there, but in the end He is soverign over it all. My prayer is that I will be more like Elizabeth- not trying to take things into my own hands but allowing God to control it all from the beginning. Thankfully we can have peace knowing that if we do make an Abraham and Sarah type of knuckleheaded move, God’s plan will still ultimately be realized. Which brings me back to God’s plan, and the fact that nothing can happen that He doesn’t allow.
This week my family and I will remember my nephew Johnathan- born August 7, 2008 and lived until October 2, 2008. He died from SIDS– basically meaning that no one knows why, he just stopped breathing in his sleep. Of course God knew this would happen from before Johnathan was ever conceived, on the day he was born, and the day he fell asleep and never woke up. God knew that would be the last time my brother and sister in law would play with him and see him smile. God knew that when I visited him last September, my first encounter with him would be the only one I ever had on this side of life. If we believe that God’s will is ultimately done, then we have to believe that Johnathan’s limited time on this earth was also a part of God’s plan. God went to extreme measures to bring babies like Isaac, John, and even Jesus in to this earth, and because of God’s plan there was nothing any man could do to change that. We have to choose to believe that He ordained, had a plan for, and a purpose for that little life, knowing it would only be two months long. Johnathan was no accident, and his death was no surprise to the one that created him. Looking back at the stories of Isaac and John, the faithfulness of Zechariah and Elizabeth, as well as the bad choices of Abraham and Sarah, its comforting to know that no choices made, no circumstance, nothing could have changed the plans the Lord has. Elizabeth and Zechariah did it right- Im sure that they were hurt, confused, and probably didn’t understand why God had chosen to seemingly not answer their prayers. But, in the end, the miracle of John’s life was used to point to Jesus and bring people to a saving knowledge of Him.
Its been one year, and although we’ve seen so many things come out of the situation we have experienced, the memories of those days are as clear as a bell and as painful as can be. But, as our family continues to walk through all the mess, sadness, and confusion caused by these circumstances, I pray we, like Elizabeth and Zechariah, would allow Him to use a situation that seems hopeless and beyond understanding, to bring glory to himself and to bring salvation to those in need. Much love to the Swains/Dunets/Jastrzemskis this week, especially Dan and Cherie.

 

Tweezers or Eye Drops?

It’s a rainy day, things at work are rather quiet, and in general I’m feeling reflective. Here is what I’m reflecting on recently: it bothers me when I go from being in a fairly productive and chipper mood to feeling like poop within minutes. Why is that, what makes it happen, and why do I allow it? These are questions I’ve been looking for answers on. So, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why things bother me, and why those specific things bother me but other things don’t.
This journey of discovery has been going on for a while- I’m the kind of person that wants to go with the flow, wants to let stuff roll off my back and not upset me, wants to act like it doesn’t matter, and although I often will make the effort to appear that I have those types of attitudes, on the inside it really DOESN’T roll off my back, it DOES upset me, and it DOES matter. Which makes me angry with myself for not being able to be more carefree. Why CANT I be the person that really can just let it go and feel ok about it?
As a result of a suggestion from a parent in the youth ministry I work with I recently read the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. Oddly, I had never read it before, but certainly had heard a lot about it and had people impose on me what they believed my love language was. The idea had always confused me- I could never figure it out. A conversation about it would go something like this “well, it could be quality time, but not so much the face to face time thing, but more just conversationally… like I just want you to want to give me information … hmmm that sounds weird and kind of creepy… I’m not sure, guess I don’t fit the mold”.
Even as I read the book, I still felt like I was unsure. I like getting gifts, when someone does an act of service for me it makes me feel so important and amazing, I like spending time with people, and of course words of affirmation make me feel good… do I just have them all? Surely not.
Then I hit one chapter- more like page or paragraph even- on a specific dialect of the quality time love language. Its called quality communication and I was pretty sure that had hit the nail on the head of how I felt. I have an extreme need to feel understood and to understand others. Its why I love facebook, why I started a blog, and I think its why I love meetings. I want to know why people do what they do and understand it. I want the background, the details, the over communication of why things are the way they are and what the thought process is when decisions are made. I feel loved when people offer that type of information to me and when in turn they care enough to make sure I know I am being understood with whatever I’m trying to communicate. This applies to everyone in my life- family, friends, coworkers, bosses, the lady at the bank and the guy at the Starbucks window. Side note- maybe that’s why I love starbucks so much- I say I want a skinny vanilla latte, the guy repeats back to me “so you want a skinny vanilla latte?” and I confirm- yes, and now I know that you understood what I told you.
Of course the latte is a small thing. On a bigger scale- I’m trying to communicate something and the response I get indicates one of the following: I’m too busy, don’t care, or don’t want to make an effort to really hear and understand what I’m saying, and you are a pain in the you-know-what for trying to explain yourself all the time because it doesn’t really matter why you think what you think. One conversation like that can make my whole day and attitude go right down the toilet. Then again I know some people who really don’t care if people “get” them or not. Why is that? Does that just make me high maintenance and is it something I should try to change?
On an even bigger scale- if I’m communicating something I’m passionate about, and people don’t buy in to it, I often can leave feeling like I must have poorly communicated, because if I had really expressed all that’s in my heart about it accurately they would have wanted to jump on board and do anything they can to help!! Surely if I explain again, in a different way, communicating better, they will be impacted… Right? FALSE. But that’s how I think!

So, I discovered my love language, and my thoughts were- well great, so I have a love language- what does that do for me other than make me selfishly see my own “needs” after I’ve tried to convince myself and everyone around me I don’t have any! Just makes me feel depressed and needy! Admittedly- prior to reading the book I thought “love language” was arbitrary. Sure people feel loved in different ways, that’s a given; we just need to suck it up and get over it and stop being so stinking needy! However, after more thought and reading the case studies, I’m starting to think its not just about how people feel loved in relation to one another… what I saw was that we also can make judgments on peoples spirituality and character as a result of viewing them through our love-language tainted lense. To take it a step further, it can impact our view of God’s love. So what am I suggesting? That maybe a lack of self-awareness can lead us to miss opportunities and/or unfairly judge others. Yep- I used that ugly “J” word. Judge… yikes.
I’ll explain further what I’m thinking. We all know that God has given us each specific gifts and attributes and we are all different from each other- by playing all our different roles and then coming together we make one big functioning unit. The Bible uses the body as an example, we need eyes, hands, legs, feet to be a whole body and allow the body to function exactly as God originally created us as humans…. The eye cant say to the hand “I don’t need you” so on and so forth (see 1 Corinthians 12). Of course if I’m an eye, for example, and my eye gets poked, I’m going to be upset and shouldn’t everyone? Meanwhile my finger is saying “but I have a sliver, and that’s all I care about right now!”. I always looked at this scripture as describing roles: pastors, teachers, servers, support people, etc… but in reflection what if we also apply that to the different attributes/tendencies people have (a.k.a. the fruits of the spirit- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control according to Galatians 5:22). Of course I think we should all have those attributes, but I think its possible we tend to have higher levels of some of those fruits and lower levels of others– more patience, more gentleness, more kindness… etc. And, to take it a step further, I wonder if our perspective on if people are displaying these fruits aren’t pretty tainted by our own perception. If I’m the eye, and I sting right now, I’m going to perceive kindness when you give me some eye drops. If I’m a hand, and I have a sliver, I’m going to perceive kindness if you give me some tweezers so I can get the sliver out. If I give the hand some eye drops it would say- gee thanks, what am I going to do with those? What I really need right now is a pair of tweezers!
So, now, applying the concept to me. I’ve already stated that I discovered that quality communication (i.e. I get you and you get me) is probably the most important thing to me. So lets look at the expression of the fruits through the lens of communication:
-I think I have a lot of love. I LOVE love, and I either love something or I don’t (i.e. there is not a lot of middle ground there). SO- I really want people to feel loved- I try to attend all their events, keep in touch, talk a lot, ask a lot of questions, I want to tell you all the important things as well as all the little details of my life, etc because I know those are the things that make ME feel loved when I’m on the receiving end of any of those actions. My understanding of how to express that particular fruit- the love fruit- is based on the way I best receive the love fruit- through communication and understanding/being understood.
-What about patience? Some folks might see patience as just quietly waiting on something or someone. But I see patience as more of a perseverance without anger- i.e. you don’t get it the first time so I’m going to try to explain it again in a different way. Can you hear me now? You still don’t get it, I will explain it again, maybe using puppets. Can you hear me now? No, maybe I should try communicating through story telling. Now can you hear me? I’m trying anything and everything to get some sort of confirmation that you get it, and I will keep doing that changing up my method without getting angry that you aren’t getting it. Why is that my definition of patience? Because for me the ultimate goal is to get you to understand and to be understood. To me that’s being patient, but to the person on the receiving end it could be seen as annoying!
-Gentleness… some people might see as being soft spoken. To me it is saying something in a way that is honest but not harsh. Explaining it to them so that they understand the why’s of it and doing it in a nice non-offensive way. When I’m successful at that, I feel like I have treated someone with gentleness.
Not going to go through every single fruit here, but the point is that when I allow myself to get upset it could be that I am imposing on others my expectations of how to express Godly character. Instead of making a judgment on their spirituality (or lack thereof), it might be better to ask myself- Is it REALLY that people really lack love, patience, or gentleness and therefore have some sort of deficit of spiritual fruit in their lives (how prideful of me to say something like that)? Or, the more likely answer- is it just because I perceive they lack those “fruits” because they aren’t showing them to me in the way that I understand them. They are giving me tweezers when what I need is some eye drops!
So why was it important for me to go on this little mental journey of self discovery? Well, its made me think about something bigger than myself. I’m always pep-talking myself, reminding myself that its not about me and about how loved I feel or don’t feel, and I think that’s why I chose to never really look into this before… I never wanted to focus on what I need and what I don’t, or allow myself to be affected by anyone. But then I started thinking about it from another perspective. Am I hurting others by not recognizing the fruit they are trying to share with me? Am I judging them because they aren’t sharing it in the way I can recognize? And furthermore, can God maybe help me by showing me how to exhibit the fruits of the spirit to others in a way that will make sense specifically to them? How wonderful would it be if I had the insight to see this person best receives love in this way or that way, and were able to accommodate that, so that I was able to love those around me in a way that made sense to each of them individually! I give one person eye drops, I give the other tweezers, and we all feel loved! Better yet, what if I were able to share Christ with someone from a perspective that made sense to them and that hit on how God wired them to receive love! If I ask for His guidance in this area, and for insight to the people around me, can I make a bigger impact on their lives? If I’m open and aware, will that still small voice speak and show me that “in this situation, person X really needs to be extended the fruit of gentleness, and the way you can extend that to them is by doing/acting/saying this. Even though Theresa doesn’t understand the expression of gentleness in that way, that is how THEY will best receive gentleness because of the way they were designed”. I’ve decided I want to be that person- the one who can recognize what fruit people need and then be able to be that fruit for them in a way that they specifically will be able to receive it.

 

Coca-Cola, anyone?

Driving south on 65 on my way in to work not too long ago, I took note of a car on the shoulder, one side jacked up to facilitate the changing of a tire. If you drive from Spring Hill to Franklin every morning, this is not an uncommon site (there were at least 3 separate cars in the same situation when I took that route this morning). However, this particular scenario caught my attention because of the car parked in front of the impaired vehicle. I noticed a woman standing by watching (presumably it was her vehicle) and a man kneeling on the ground in typical tire-changing position. How nice, someone had stopped to help her. There are still good Samaritans in the world, I suppose. But then I noticed the car that I assumed belonged to the chivalrous passerby. It was covered completely in Coca-Cola advertisement. Being the analyst that I am, I had to wonder how this scenario came to be.

1. Was the man a friend or relative of the woman who just happened to drive a coca-cola car?
2. Was the man a stranger who was an employee of the coca-cola company and just felt bad enough to stop and help the stranded young lady?
3. Was the man a mechanic or the employee of some sort of roadside assistance service that was clever enough to seek an endorsement from coca-cola, knowing that thousands of people would see their mobile advertisement on his vehicle as he was out on calls all day?

Personally, I don’t drink Coke. I don’t really drink soda of any kind- I don’t like the fizz and the sweetness of the beverage is not refreshing to me. I will take unsweet tea or water, thanks. However on this particular day, I actually thought to myself  “maybe I’ll buy a coke”… and then I thought WHAT IN THE WORLD I DON’T EVEN LIKE THE STUFF!

The power of suggestion? A testament to the effectiveness of good advertising? Im not sure… I do know this, as a person who is driven to help people, and often find myself  frustrated with my lack of ability to do so in the way I want to or as much as I would like to, I love the idea of purchasing products that contribute to the greater good. I.E., I get the product I need, and that company in turn supports a cause I subscribe to. Tom’s shoes for example. I saw their commercial on TV- for every pair of shoes you purchase a kid in a third world country gets a pair of shoes. I get the shoes I need, and I help someone at the same time. I went and looked at Tom’s shoes this weekend- $50, kind of ugly, but might be comfortable enough. Probably not my first choice, but Im pretty sure that next time I buy a pair of shoes, I will be shopping Tom’s because I believe in what they are doing. I can make do with a pair of less cute shoes because in doing so Im able to provide for someone else.This concept isn’t just attractive to Christians, by the way. People everywhere are interested in doing things that make them feel like they are doing their part to contribute. Often times the people who have donated the biggest to the projects I’ve solicited money for have been those who don’t share my faith, but are looking for a way to feel like they are doing something good.

So back to coca-cola guy changing stranded lady’s tire. I don’t know if Coca-cola was smart enough to figure out that if we associated random acts of roadside kindness with coca-cola, people like me would think twice about purchasing their product… but I did. I just wonder how I can work harder to put myself out there in the same way. Im not suggesting painting a large cross on my car and then seeking out flat tires to change. Im just thinking that I noticed the guy helping the stranded woman and thought it was good, and then after that I noticed that he is (somehow) associated with a certain brand and my mind automatically connected that the brand he was displaying was also was as good as that guy who was willing to help. That man made coca-cola look good to me, someone who dislikes fizzy sweet beverages. There are so many people out there who have been so burned by religion and the church, seen the hypocrisy in it, felt too much law and not enough love. It left a bad after-taste in their mouth, and they may be quite content to stay away from it all together.  I just hope I can be like the coca-cola tire changer, so that when I do things- random things that I may not think anyone notices- I make my faith in Jesus look good, look practical, look like something maybe someone should try, or even just consider trying again even if past experience says you don’t really care for the taste of it.

 

When God Connects The Dots…

If you’ve read my “about me” page, you know that youth ministry has been a part of my life for quite some time… there was never really any question that if I were to be involved in ministry, “youth” would be the arena I would work in. Having attended a very world outreach oriented Bible college, I often struggled with the missions conference, special missionary guest speakers, and pleas to help other nations because my vision to see the youth of America revolutionized was so big and heavy on my heart. Why do people need to travel half way around the world to help others? God has placed them in America, arent there enough problems here for them to deal with? It was more than once that I butted heads with the Missions majors and swore up and down I was called to America, and you wouldnt see me traveling all over creation when there was plenty of work to be done in the land God had placed me.

It was February 2007.  I remember distinctly, my good friend Michelle, who I’ve been close with since Jr. High, had come to Nashville to visit me. In church that Sunday, after worship, there was a video announcement- a short homemade film about a trip to Haiti recently taken (presumably) by some people from my church. A young guy got up on the stage and began to speak about looking for folks to take to Haiti that summer… some project he had started… I remember thinking a few different thoughts. First- gosh its weird that Ive been going to this church for over a year and I dont ever remember meeting this guy, but clearly he is a big deal around here. Second- what was that email address in the bulletin again? And after looking at it again wondering what kind of art he did- painting maybe? Thirdly- Haiti looks like a beautiful place, but why cant they focus their effort here in the states?

As we drove home from church that day, Michelle asked me “would you ever consider going on that missions trip they talked about at church today?” HECK NO, I emphatically responded.

Just a few short weeks later, the youth pastor I was working under at the time announced we would be taking the youth group on a missions trip… to Haiti. And then he specifically asked to speak to me. “I really feel you are supposed to go on this trip” he said. “HECK NO!” I said again. “Im not a missions person, and I have a family event I have to be at that week. And its too late for me to ask for that time off of work. Sorry.”

I left that conversation with him saying “well, I feel like you need to go, so promise me you’ll pray about it”. A few days later my answer was still a “No”, but a less firm one. “I will check with my work, and with my family about that family event. If they are fine with it, I will go” knowing full well my family would not be fine with me skipping out on a family wedding. I was safe and I knew it. But, true to my word, I called home. “If God is speaking that you are to go on this trip, then I think you need to go! The family will understand.” WHAT?! Um… this is not headed in the direction I had anticipated. Slightly more nervous, I went to my boss about the time off of work “Sure, no problem”. WHAT?! Oh no. I think Im going to Haiti! How could this have happened! And HAITI? Of all places? Seriously God, I think Im getting punked. And so began an adventure that would change my life.

Im not going to lie, I woke up the morning of the trip and the first thought in my mind was WHY God. Why are you making me do this? I even arrived slightly late to the airport… I wouldnt have been too terribly upset if I had missed the flight. Landing in Haiti was surreal- the ocean, the island, the airport, the smells, the drive through Port Au Prince- the capital city of the poorest country in our hemisphere. A devestating sight, a devestated people. I felt for them, but still, really just wanted to be anywhere but there. For the first few days, I felt like things just kept getting worse– cold water in the hotel, food I was certainly not going to go anywhere near, a language I couldnt speak, and oh yes, the lizard that had made a home for itself in our hotel bathroom.

Throughout that week long trip, I began to see God’s heart for these people… although still convinced missions work wasnt for me. But then something snapped. Im not sure how it happened… I think it was a combination of things. I had conversations with Pastor LaFleur, the man in charge of the ministry in the town of Jacmel, and with the guy I had seen on stage at church months earlier (now knowing his name and that his email address actually had nothing to do with painting or sculpting) about how the vision to help Haiti came about and where it was headed. At some point over those few days, Haiti stopped being just a missions tripand more of a long term mission- a goal to work towards, a project to be completed, which I think was what did the trick for me. Im an all or nothing kind of girl. If I do something I need to be able to buy in to it, invest in it, and see something come from it. I never saw the point of a missions trip- you go in, witness to some people on the street corner, and go back home never knowing if what you did had made a real difference in someones life long term. However, what I saw in Haiti was a chance to build lasting relationships with the church family there, with the children there, and to get involved in something that would make a long term impact on those people, their city, and hopefully, their entire country.  By the last night there, I had chosen a young girl named Dashka to sponsor, pledging at the least a financial commitment to support the vision of Restoration ministries.

After returning home to TN, I saw opportunities to plug in. My new friend Philip (the guy from church) was working hard at helping this project to move forward, and I offered to help out using the only tool I had to give- administration. Many of the people on the youth group trip had signed up to sponsor a child in Haiti, so I began to take on the child sponsorship- collecting the money here in TN each month and getting it down to Haiti. Of course, as with everything I do, I had to throw myself in to this task whole heartedly- organizing and recruiting new sponsors. It quickly became something I was very passionate about because I began to see that starting with these children, and changing their mindset from a young age, we could impact the future of their country and make a change. Now, 3 trips and a few years later, Im fully engaged in this project and ready to allow God to use me in any way He desires to.

Just a few weeks ago, I was asked to share at an event about both the ministry in Haiti and our youth ministry. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I would promote both of these topics- both that I am so passionate about- in a way that wasnt awkward. My life has become so strange, I thought. How in the world did I get here? Youth ministry AND missions! How am I able to both and feel so passionate about both, and why in the world did God put me in this position in the first place? So I began to think and pray about how these two things connected… what was common to both that would help me present both of them in a way that was understandable and flowed naturally.

Of course, it came to me just two hours before the event, as I was driving home from work, and honestly in a panic because I still hadnt figured things out.  I was thinking how the people in Haiti have been robbed of so many things, so much has been taken from them. I went to Joel 2:25-28 where it talks about how God will repay for the years that have been taken- there will be plenty to eat and God will make Himself known, which is my prayer for that land. But then vs. 28 says that God will pour out His spirit on all people- sons and daughters will prophesy and young men will see visions. It struck me that the kids in Haiti who know Jesus are already living that way- it wouldnt be foreign to them if these things happened, but for our kids here in the U.S., it probably would be pretty foreign! For weeks our church has been talking and praying about seeing the Holy Spirit move, and specifically in our youth ministry, we have been praying that for our teens. This is what we had been asking God for, and if the kids in Haiti could see God move in their lives, why not our teens here in the U.S.? What hit me even further was when I saw a cross refrence for this verse to Acts 2. Setting the scene here- it was pentecost. The Holy Spirit had just been given to the disciples and so many strange things were happening that those looking on thought they were drunk. So Peter addresses the crowd and explains this isnt alcohol- this is an act of God, and he quotes the verses in Joel. He goes on to give the salvation message to the onlookers, commanding them to repent and be baptized  and then saying “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation” (NIV) but I love the way the Message version words it:

Peter said “Change your life. Turn to God and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, so your sins are forgiven. Receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is targeted to YOU and your CHILDREN, but also to ALL WHO ARE FAR AWAY- whomever, in fact, our Master God invites.” He went on in this vein for a long time, urging them over and over, “Get out while you can; get out of this sick and stupid culture!”

And here is where it started to come together for me. Peter quotes the scripture in Joel describing what the young men and women would do, and he tells them this gift is for us and our children and all who are far away. It struck me- the kids far away in Haiti are already walking in this… the things described as happening on the day of Pentecost in Acts 2 would not be foreign to them, so why WHY would it be more foreign to the youth in the U.S. ? I think Peter gives us our answer. Its because we need to GET OUT OF THIS SICK AND STUPID CULTURE! If we want to see our teens here move in that direction, we have got to help shift their mindset from the sick and stupid culture they are confronted with daily here in America… but how?

I then moved to James 1:22 which says that we cant just listen to the Word, and so deceive ourselves, we have to actually do what it says… and five verses later it says that religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep oneself from being polluted by the world. So can we safely say that to “keep oneself from being polluted from the world” would correspond with “getting ourselves out of the sick and stupid culture”? And if so, and if the key is not just listening to the word but actually doing it, and here the word is paring keeping ourselves from being poluted by the world with looking after widows and orphans… is James trying to say that maybe by doing these things- caring for others- that is what will help us to be in the place God wants us? SO now taking it in reverse- We take care of people who are less fortunate or abandoned or alone, and that helps us not be polluted by the world (i.e. get out of the negative culture),  which is what we need to do when we come to Jesus if we want to receive the “gift of the Holy Spirit” which is “the promise that is for you and your children and for all who are far off…”.

So the kids in Haiti are seeing the Holy Spirit move, I want the youth here to see the Holy Spirit’s power in their life in the same way. Is it possible, at all possible, that God gave me a love for the teens I work with, and then gave me a passionate heart for the project in Haiti, because getting the TN youth involved in a project like Haiti is what will keep them from being “polluted by the world” and open them up to receiving the promise of the Holy Spirit that God has for them? Is it really just a big circle that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved? The youth here help those less fortunate (like the people I work with in Haiti), which really is just helping themselves to be focused on the things of God so that they can be open and ready to receive the promises God has for them?

And it was then that I was brought back to one of those dreaded annual missions conferences at school. I was required to attend, and I did not enjoy it- I refused to enjoy it. I just didnt get it. But there was this one night, we spread out all over the sanctuary, and we were told to pray that God would give us a word- a vision for our purpose and our future- and after reading for a while a story in the old testament that talked about redeeming the land, what I wrote in my journal is that my future was to “Redeem the Land through the youth”, at the time of course thinking it was referring to America. I wrote it down, and Im pretty sure I havent thought about it since. Until that day when I was asked to share and asked God to show me how to connect the dots. The work Im doing in Haiti is all about redeeming that land through the youth- helping to raise them up so that their mindset as adults is different than the generation currently in control in that country. That vision for me was not just for America, it was for Haiti too, and on top of it, I am now beginning to think that the way I can help see that vision come to pass here IN America is to get our kids involved in a project like Haiti- serving and loving on those who the Bible tells us to. The youth here can help “restore the years the locusts have eaten” for the kids in Haiti, and by allowing them to do that, it might be that just by allowing us to be a part of helping them, the Haitian kids help the youth of America redeem their land by ushering in a great move of the Holy Spirit through a bunch of young teens who did not just merely listen to the Word, but who would actually do what it says. So really, God having me in Haiti, and in youth ministry isnt so strange or separate from each other at all. It could be that they are very connected and maybe even dependent on one another. I just needed to ask God to show me how to connect the dots.